Brian Williams Recants More Stories

Beleaguered NBC News anchor and occasional sitcom star Brian Williams today announced he had to recant several more stories following this week's revelation that a tale he told about being aboard a helicopter that was shot down in a 2003 RPG attack over Iraq was simply not true.

The following is a transcript of the latest mea culpa Williams aired:

I would like to apologize to our viewers for another series of claims I have made over time that may not be accurate.  I thought they were when I made them, but it turns out I was wrong. I don't have a good excuse for my innocent errors, so let's just say it's the result of me having watched some old episodes of Sanford and Son.  Redd Foxx was always hilarious.  With that said, I must now make the following clarifications:

1.  I did not invent the switchblade comb.  I use one daily, and just assumed I had created it. I was mistaken.

2.  I was not a signatory to the Treaty of Ghent. I had not yet been born.  My passion for the War of 1812 colored my view of the facts.

3.  I am not the author of The Greatest Generation. But I do know the guy who wrote it.

4.  I am not married to or dating Tina Fey.  I've just been on a show with her. And she is compelling, so one can see how that could confuse me.

5.  I am not the inspiration for Mad Men.  I am just very handsome. But that's where the similarities end.

6.  I did not cause the fall of the Berlin Wall.  I do approve, and sometimes I confuse support with causation.

7.  I was not the United States Secretary of Labor in 2010. That was Hilda Solis.  I simply misread a Post-It note someone had left on my desk.

8.  I am not Edward R. Murrow.  I realize that one should have been obvious to me, but that movie about him was on, and I could have sworn it was me.

9.  I do not think Girls is funny.  I regret claiming it was.

10.  I was not a part of Seal Team Six.  I do, however, own six seals, so you can see how that misstatement occurred.

11.  I did not write Maple Leaf Rag. That was Scott Joplin. I was visited Joplin, Missouri while touring flood damage from a helicopter. A helicopter that was shot down by a group of extremist Juggalos.

12.  I was never in a helicopter shot down by Juggalos.

I hope that through this clearing of the air, I can regain your trust, and that I can still get appearances on NBC sitcoms in which I play myself. Thank you. Good night, and good luck.

This is parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.