The Somewhat Annual Oscar Predictions From A Guy Who Hasn't Seen Many Movies In A While And Who Also Has No Access To A List Of Nominees For Some Reason (2025)
Hooray for Hollywood…AND THE OSCARS! Photo by De'Andre Bush on Unsplash
If there’s a more exciting day of the year than Oscar day, I don’t know what it is! And don’t tell me, because I don’t think I could handle any more excitement. My blood pressure is high enough already!
This year’s Academy Awards ceremony will be hosted by Arthur Conan Doyle! I assumed he was dead, but as my mom told me, you learn something new every day. Except Saturdays. That’s the day for sleeping!
As usual, I didn’t get to see any movies this year. I meant to, but I got very busy. One weekend I intended to go see Wicked, but accidentally went to a a store called Wicked Wicker that sold nothing but wicker furniture. It worked out, though. I am the proud owner of a very uncomfortable and oddly noisy chair.
But fret not, or at least fret only a bit. If you do fret, you should meet up with like-minded people. Because as they say, birds of a feather, fret together! But that fretting is misplaced! I am still going to make my predictions. And you can take these to the bank! The Movie Bank!
Best Picture: The Academy has expanded the number of best picture nominees to 47! So many great films to choose from!There are so many nominees this year! There’s Anemone, a sequel to Finding Nemo! But that’s up against The Brute, a film that I think is little more than an Incredible Hulk ripoff! I used to love that show. Bill Bixby would go from town to town, helping people and ripping his shirt! But don’t forget A Complete Unknown, in which Timmy Charlamagne plays Welsh poet Dylan Thomas. It could truly be a Child’s Christmas with Oscars! And there’s more! Concave is based on a book by Dan Brown, and is about a pope who solves ancient mysteries! And, don’t forget Wicked, a musical based on The Crucible! But I think the winner will be The Nickleback Boys for its powerful story of abuse and racism all set to a soundtrack featuring what is arguably the greatest band of the past century!
Best Actress: As in every year for the past 40 years, Meryl Streep will win! She’s a national treasure!
Best Actor: This category is a real humdinger! Adrian Zmed is up for The Brute. I always liked him, but I don’t see him as brutish enough! Ralphie May is nominated for Concave. I just don’t think a funny pope works, so he won’t get it! And Dabney Coleman is nominated posthumously for his role in Sing A Song. He was great in 9 to 5, but I think doing that TV show about a serial killer (Buffalo Bill) really hurt his Oscar cache! So, I think Timmy Charlamagne will win for A Complete Unknown. There will be celebrations all over Wales tonight! Truthfully, though, he should really win for Dune 2, though. He was very good as Paul “Moowah D.B.” Atreedies. That movie had a giant worm!
Best Supporting Actress: A lot of people are pulling for Ariana Grande for her role as Hester Prynne in Wicked! She sang and defied gravity! But she has stiff competition from Adrienne Barbeau for A Complete Unknown. I liked her in Swamp Thing! But I think Zoe Salamander will win for her performance in The Rosie Perez Story! I’ve liked Rosie since Spike Jones’ Do The Right Thing! So I hope the Academy does the right thing and gives the statue to Ms. Salamander! (She’s dating one the Spider-Mans!)
Best Supporting Actor: McCauley Culkin is up for A Real Pain, in which he plays his brother! But, I’m afraid he’ll go home alone (get it!) tonight as Ralph Norton will win for A Complete Unknown.
Best Original Screenplay: Once again, my screenplay about a dog and chicken who solve crimes (twist - they are also ghosts!) is not nominated. So, this category is meaningless. But, I suspect it will go to The Slime, a movie starring Dinty Moore who uses a substance called The Slime to turn herself into Benjamin Button! It’s a wild ride. I am told.
Best Director: Directors are the ones who really run the show! They have a special chair, and sometimes even a megaphone and riding pants! I will be honest. I have never heard of any of these directors! Where are the Spielbergs and Scorceses? The Capras and the Coppollas? At home this year, I tell you. So I am going to randomly pick James Mangled for A Complete Unknown.
Best Cinematography: Without cinematographers, you’d just have a blank screen to stare at. And no one wants that. Unless you are doing meditation. Which you should! It helps you be more mindful! Movies up for best cinematography include the Brute and Dune 2. But I think Nosferatu would win. Because everyone loves Dracula!
Best Documentary: You know, if they did a documentary about me and my friends, people would love it! We say the funniest things. Last week, Art and I were at lunch and he suggested we split the check. So I asked the waiter for some scissors! See! It would be wonderful. And poignant. Anyway, I think A Soundtrack to Hakuna Matata will win. No worries!
Best Animated Movie: This one is tough. There’s The Wild Robot, which is about the Decepticons. And you’ve got Inside Llewyn Davis 2. That movie did not need a sequel, much lees an animated one! But we got two sequels this year (the other being A Complete Unknown). Apparently Dylan Thomas is more popular than I imagined. But the hands down winner will be Memories of A Snail. Because everyone loves snails. Particularly in a rich butter sauce!
Best Original Song: Freebird from Sing a Song will win!
Best Hair and Makeup: Wicked can’t lose this category, because they made a lady green!
Best Costume: Gladiator II is in this category, which means it’s an Oscar nominated movie. And that just seems silly. I am going to go, once more, with Wicked! Because of so many hats!
That's a wrap on this year's Oscar picks! I'll see you at the Brown Derby after the show! Order me some fish!
The above is satire, which, frankly, should be obvious.