The Somewhat Annual Oscar Predictions From A Guy Who Hasn't Seen Many Movies In A While And Who Also Has No Access To A List Of Nominees For Some Reason
Hooray for Hollywood…AND THE OSCARS! Photo by De'Andre Bush on Unsplash
My favorite awards show has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R. My favorite awards show has a second name, it too is O-S-C-A-R!
This weekend Tinsel Town is overcome by a bad case of Oscar fever! Don’t worry, it’s not contagious…..or is it?!
The Academy Awards honor Hollywood’s greatest hits! And, last year there was an actual hit! Do you remember when host The Rock was slapped by Will Arnett? That was surely a surprise for the ages! I think Will did it because The Rock made fun of Will’s ex-wife, Amy Adams!
Now, I must confess that I didn’t make it out to the movies that much this past year because of my crippling fear of bees. And if you know anything, you know bees are drawn to movie houses like bees are to flowers!
But don’t worry, I will still make my Oscar picks for you so you can fill out your ballots with the confidence of an enraged bee!
Best Picture: There are so many nominees this year! By my count, there are over 20! So, will the time bending Everything, All the Time, 24-7 take home the little golden man? Will Tar, the story of a lady construction foreman, pave the way to Oscar gold? Does the Fableman Baker Boys have what it takes to win? I think Maverick 2: Top Gun is the dark horse this year. (Get it? No? A maverick is a type of horse, you see!) But, if I were a betting man - which I am not due to a court order - I’d put my money on The Banshees of Isengard, a story of a hobbit who pesters a troll!
Best Actress: As in every year for the past 30 years, Meryl Streep will win! She’s a national treasure!
Best Actor: This category is a doozy! Could Austin Powers win for his amazing portrayal of an Elvis impersonator in Elvis Impersonator? He could, what do I know! But my pick is going to be Brando Frazier for his work in the Moby Dick reboot, The Whale! They say Brando gained 500 pounds for this part. Which seems extreme to me! But man, I bet he sure did enjoy an extra serving of pudding with dinner!
Best Supporting Actress: I think Jamie Michael Curtiz (who was great in the original Scream) and Stephanie Hsu will split the Everything, All the Time, 24-7 vote. And this opens the door for Angel Basket to win for her role in Black Panther: The Huey Newton Story!
Best Supporting Actor: Some people think Ke Huy Quan could win for Everything, All the Time, 24-7, and it’s possible he could get it as a delayed award for his work as Round Boy in Indiana Jones and Dr. Doom. But I think the obvious winner here is Jackie Gleason for his performance in The Banshees of Isengard. His performance sent me to the moon!
Best Screenplay: Once again, my screenplay about a dog and chicken who solve crimes (twist - they are also ghosts!) is not nominated. So, this whole category is a sham! But, I suppose this one comes down to The Bermuda Triangle of Sadness, which is about a boat that vanishes versus Everything, All the Time, 24-7. I think Everything will win because it has a scene with people who have hot dog hands and fight with very naughty weapons! It’s what the people love!
Best Director: A director is like the pilot of a movie. But not of a television series, because that’s a term that means the first show with at least one person in it who will be recast if it is picked up! Nominee Steven Spielburger could win for making a movie about a guy who likes movies or something. Michael McDonald could win for the Banshees of Isengard (but that’s what a fool believes!). I think the likely winner is two guys named Dan for Everything, All the Time, 24-7. I don’t know how they will split the trophy, but this is genuinely not my problem!
Best Cinematography: It is the cinematographer’s job to make things look good! Just like my mirror does for me! I kid. In this case, I think Quiet You On the Western Front will win because it is set during World War I, which is historically known as the prettiest war!
Best Documentary: I once saw a documentary about llamas. They are fascinating creatures! I don’t know what it was called, but it sure made me want to get a llama. Or even an alpaca! Anywho, I think this year the documentary Love Fire! will win. Because everyone enjoys seeing fire and such!
Best Animated Movie: Turning Red could win, because most people’s favorite color is red! Mine, however, is ecru! Another contender is Benicio Del Toro’s Pinocchio! In this version, Geppetto is a singing llama, but it’s no documentary! I’m going with Marcel the Shell Who Likes Shoes as the winner here because it seems to filled with whimsy!
Best Original Song: Pappa Gaga and Bloody Lady will travel the highway to the danger zone to nab a win for their song I Wanna Hold Your Hand from Maverick 2: Top Gun.
Best Hair and Makeup: Batman is up for this and I think it will win in consolation for never recognizing the work on Cesar Romero as the Jokester!
Best Costume: The clear winner here is Mrs. Harris is From Paris, because everyone knows the French are fashion geniuses!
That's a wrap on this year's Oscar picks! I'll see you at the Brown Derby after the show! Order me some fish!
The above is satire, which, frankly, should be obvious.