The Fourth Somewhat Annual Oscar Predictions From A Guy Who Hasn't Seen Many Movies In A While And Who Also Has No Access To A List Of Nominees For Some Reason

Hooray For Hollywood…..and the Oscars! Photo by Thomas Wolf, www.foto-tw.de [CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)]

Hello revelers in movie magic! It’s that time of year that all true film nuts crave! Academy Award weekend!

Once again, this year there will not be a host! But I bet they actually have a robot do it! Maybe one of those football robots they have on Fox Sports! I kind of hope not, because those things give me a terrible fright!

The Academy Awards honor the best and brightest talent that Hollywood has to offer. And also a bunch of songs! Probably some by Randy Newman! Remember that song of his, Short People? That ruffled a lot of feathers, but I think that’s just because people don’t really understand what the song was about. Same deal with Born in the USA and anything by James Taylor!

Now, I must confess that I didn’t make it out to the movies that much this past year. For obvious reasons. By which I mean my crippling gout!

But that won’t stop me from giving you my list of Oscar picks for this year’s Hollywood Hootenanny!

Best Picture:  What a slate of movies this year! There’s Erin Swordkin’s Trial of the Chicago Bears! There’s Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Judas and the Black Messiah Superstar! And there’s even Promises to a Young Woman! But, there’s one movie where you will be NO MAD if you LAND on it as your pick! No Mad Land is a sequel to Mad Max: Furry Road, and that movie was something else! So that’s why I pick No Mad Land!

Best Actress: As in every year for the past 30 years, Meryl Streep will win! She’s a national treasure!

Best Actor:  This is a tough category, but I am going to go with Gary Oldman for portraying a cat without a tale in Manx!

Best Supporting Actress: There’s a lot of supernova powerful talent in this category, but I think the statue has to go to Glen Close for playing Granny in The Beverly Hillbillies Elegy! She’s the only one in that movie that’s even close to the original cast! (Confession – I am a big Max Baer, Jr. fan!).

Best Supporting Actor: Borat is nominated because he’s so convincing as William “The Refrigerator Perry” in The Trial of the Chicago Bears! But I think this has to go to Leslie Odom, Jr. for One Night In Bangkok! He was in Hamilton, you know! He played Benjamin Franklin.

Best Screenplay: There’s a best original screenplay and a best unoriginal screenplay award, which I think is just hateful. Anywho, I think this award will go to Sound of Metal, which is about a dwarven blacksmith who defends his village from giant iguanas. 

Best Director: They say the director of a movie is like the manager of a Golden Corral buffet. Both of those folks have to make a complex operation appear to run seamlessly! So who is winning this year? If I had to guess – which I do – I’d say the winner will be Chloe Zhao for No Mad Land, mainly based on the amazing action sequences! 

Best Cinematography: If the director is the manager, the cinematographer is like the night manager! Both want the place looking spiffy, even in the dark. So, I’m guessing that the winner of this one will be Dariusz Wolski for News of the World, because it contains footage of news from all over the world.

Best Documentary: Remember that year that there were six or seven documentaries about ants?  I may be making that up, but I could swear that happened in the late 70’s. Just a whole bunch of ant documentaries. I could swear one of them was narrated by Pernell Roberts. No ants this year, but I do think the winner will by My Octopus Teacher, a documentary about an octopus that serves as a substitute teacher in a small Ohio town by day, and who by night plays bass in a Herman’s Hermits tribute band

Best Animated Movie: Werewolves Walking In London will probably win, because everyone loves Warren Zaxon!

Best Achievement in Sound: Greyhound will win because they had to mix dialogue with SO…MUCH…BARKING!

Best International Feature Film: Quo Vadis, Alda, the story of a man’s search for M*A*S*H star Alan Alda is the odds on favorite!

Best Costume: It’s a tough call between Mulan and Pinocchio. But, I’ll go with Pinocchio based on the hats and lederhosen!

That's a wrap on this year's ACADEMY AWARD PREDICTION BONANZA! (still trademarked!) I'll see you at the Brown Derby after the show!

An audio version of this material is available here.

The above is parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.