The Third Somewhat Annual Oscar Predictions From A Guy Who Hasn't Seen Many Movies In A While And Who Also Has No Access To A List Of Nominees For Some Reason

Hooray For Hollywood…..and the Oscars! Photo by Thomas Wolf, www.foto-tw.de [CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)]

Greetings fans of motion pictures arts as well as sciences! Movie magic’s big night is this Sunday as Hollywood celebrates its own with the Academy Awards!

This year's ceremony won’t have a host! I miss hosts. They always told great jokes and sang hilarious songs. Remember Billy Crystal? I sure do!

The ceremony will honor the best of the best, whether they be performers, directors, technical wizards, or even writers!

The show will have musical numbers, probably featuring songs by Elton John. Phil Collins used to be in there a lot, but I don’t think that’s true anymore. Remember him from music videos in the 80’s? He did one with puppets!

And now it's time for the predictions! Now, I didn’t get to see all the movies and only kind of glanced at the list of nominees. I was in Guam all year. I know what you are thinking. They have movies in Guam, and that is true. But I was really busy in Guam, so there it is and there you go!

Anywho, here are my predictions that you can take to the bank, and maybe they’ll even give you a toaster at the bank, even though that’s not really a thing anymore!

Best Picture: Man oh man, were there some great movies this year! I heard that is the case! A lot of people think Joker Man will win this category. Not me! The Academy doesn’t give the love to comedies that they deserve! Other nominees include Ford vs. Ferraro, which is a fictional account of Gerald Ford running for re-election against Geraldine Ferraro in 1980! I love a good political alternate reality picture! Some people think Parasite will win, but I decided bug movies can’t win ever since Antz lost! 1942 won’t win, because it’s a weird remake of an old John Belushi movie, and they only used one shot for the whole thing! That just seems lazy! So, if you ask me - and you should - the winner is going to be Once Upon A Time In America 2. Clinton Tarantino has reportedly made a masterpiece about an actor and stuntman who travel through time from the wild west to the swinging sixties fighting crime and what not! Color this one gold. Oscar gold!

Best Actress: As in every year for the past 30 years, Meryl Streep will win! She’s a national treasure!

Best Actor:  This is a toughie! Anthony Banderas is nominated for a Zorro remake, while Adam Driver is up for his role as Kylo Ren! But let’s face it, this one is between Jack Phoenix for being the Joker Man and Leonard DiCaprio for Once Upon A Midnight In Hollywood. My money is on the Joker Man, because Jack Phoenix is cool.

Best Supporting Actress: Give me some sunglasses, because the stars are shining bright in this category! Scarlett JoJohanssen is up, as is Margot Robbards for playing Katie Couric! And who is that I see? Why, it’s Kathy Bates! Let’s hope she’s not MY number one fan! But the winner is going to be Laura Dern for Wedding Story, the latest sequel to Jurassic Park!

Best Supporting Actor: The entire cast of Martin Scorcese’s The Irish Gangster is nominated, including Al Franken for his performance as Jimmy Hoffa and Joe Pesky as a guy who might yell. I’m not sure. But the winner for this is going to be Tom Hanks for his portrayal of Captain Kangaroo!

Best Screenplay: They give out two of these! Best Original Screenplay and Least Original Screenplay! Best Original Screenplay will be Out of Knives, the story of a chef who has to improvise when he runs out of knives. The other award will go to JoJo Rabbit, Your Life Is Calling!

Best Director: If I had a crystal ball, I’d gaze into it and select a winner. But I don’t, because it was stolen by a witch while I was in Guam! So, I’m just going to go out on a limb and guess the winner will be Greta Garbo for Little Ladies!

Best Cinematography: I don’t know who will win this because I don’t pay attention to what movies look like! So, let’s just guess it will be 1942, because it’s only one shot, so I bet it’s a good one. Even if that is super lazy, as previously discussed!

Best Documentary: I don’t know. I really don’t. If I want to watch a documentary, I’ll just check out something by National Geographic, thank you very much!

Best Animated Movie: Toys battle it out with a dragon and a monkey or something in this category. Which one will win? My money is always on monkeys, so chalk a win up for Lancelot Link!

Best Visual Effects: There was a new Star Trek movie and a remake of that British show, The Avengers! But the winner will be The Irish Gangster for making a bunch of older actors look like slightly less older ones!

Best Foreign Film: Somehow Les Miserable is nominated even though it came out several years ago and Russell Crowe was terrible in it!

Best Song: As always, I am going with something by Randy Newman!

That's a wrap on this year's ACADEMY AWARD PREDICTION BONANZA! (still trademarked!) I'll see you at the Brown Derby after the show!

Audio version of this story is HERE